I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
