i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
