a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
