My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
