My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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