What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
