nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
