I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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