He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
