my mouth tastes like poor choices
You smell like a Billy Joel song
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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