Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
