I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
