Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
