...so i touched it.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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