Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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