Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
how does that bad decision feel?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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