You're my little dorito
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
