I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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