I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Floor bacon is actually really good
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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