Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
