my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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