my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
