11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
