Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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