In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
We need to rekindle our bromance
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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