Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
