He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
