oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
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