You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
