Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
