We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
This is classic penis vs brain.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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