billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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