Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
