rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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