Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
