I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
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