I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
