the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize