I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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