He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
