Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
