the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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