Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
