Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Randomize
