so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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