you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Randomize
