i may or may not be watching the land before time
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Randomize