i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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