I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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