Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
