Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
