My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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