the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
