I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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