Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
